Stella
Stella is a series of black and white photographs that document change, holding on and letting go of the mind, and the bittersweet aspects of life and the fragility of time. Through a process of listening, reflecting, and writing I created this series of work based on my 95 year old grandmother, Stella, as her mind and body begin to change. Just over a year ago she started experiencing hallucinations, and I took this opportunity to spend more time with my Grandmother, listen to her stories and the reflection on her memories. Though it is difficult, as I am watching someone in my life slowly disappear and leave me, mentally, I felt the need to document our time together and cherish what we have now as it is fleeting.
Through these photographs, I want to tell the story of Stella and reflect upon who she is during this time of the unknown as her mind fades away and her body becomes stiff and brittle. I have documented her in the home she is now sharing with my Aunt; using the camera to record the things she sees and talks about, light and shadows, dreams and reflections on her past. Imagine never waking up and living in a state of being aware of your past while your present makes no sense. The mind is powerful and my Grandmother’s memory and hallucinations is something I have been paying attention to in her stories. For instance, moments she imagines like a lady standing outside her window in a white gown or people and things communicating to her that she can’t talk to, yet she remembers the farm she grew up on, and her husband and children. At times it has been a rollercoaster of emotions, but at the end of the day, my Aunt could not be more correct, “we have to laugh because otherwise we want to cry." I always go to the house with an open mind, never knowing what to expect. I let this drive my process by using natural light while shooting film and allowing my intentions to change after listening to the stories. For instance, when she told me the farm field out behind the house reminded her of home. Before this, the field felt irrelevant. I constantly compared our memories and her hallucinations. She found a home in a place that is new to her and I think through this experience I have too. This series has allowed me to photograph my Grandmother as a way to better understand her life and experiences. Time is fragile and life is bittersweet with twists and turns that don’t always make us happy, though I believe when times begin to vanish or feel lost it is best to treasure what we have.
